Some days it's pretty easy to forget the brokenness of the world. Fall is just around the corner and with pumpkin-flavored everything and favorite sweaters being brought out, life feels cozy and safe and nostalgic. Pleasant, sun-shiny days, kids playing outside, life looks on the outside like things are just as good and wonderful as they could be. And please understand, that these are blessings. It is wonderful, blissful to watch my children enjoy outside while having some quiet thoughts to myself. However, it doesn't take much for it all to come back.
No, my marriage isn't falling apart. I don't have a loved one slowly being wrestled away from their physical body. It's something deeper than those things. I can't quite pinpoint it, but God is moving and refining right now. I look at my alma mater and while I don't how, I see is dissolving into gossip for the locals and a stain on the graduates and student. I look at my church and see it unraveling due to things we're not talking about. It seems that all around me life as I knew it is coming undone and I don't know how or why.
It is times like these when I'm thankful that God has left some things stable--my family is in good health and my husband and I are happy with each other. God is good and knows that I am so frail. He is bringing me through difficult baby months with little girl so that now I see glimmers of sunshine.
However, I look at her and think of the hundreds of girls kidnapped in Nigeria who have yet to be found. Why hasn't there been any progress? Maybe I've been fed too much propaganda, but it seems to me that with a great big powerhouse player as America that surely we would at least know where the girls were and be in the process of rescuing them. And how many more reporters must be killed by ISIS in order for us to snipe every last member? Do we not have the manpower? Do those in charge simply not care? What's the problem?
Ok, truly, I know the answer to that last one--such a Sunday school answer--the problem is that we live in a fallen world. I understand that. I'm part of that broken world and sometimes it strikes me just how far we've fallen.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
Family Issues
Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus. Philippians 2:1-5
I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a member of a church and what a church body should look like. During difficult days, it's easy to look at another church body and wish you could be there. It's happy there, people love each other there, it isn't awkward there. My church has been wrestling through some family issues in the last few months, if not years, and it's made me wonder what the root problem is and how I can fix it. There's been lots of offenses and hurt feelings that have appeared to me to be downplayed. Lots of families have left--not just any families, but families of church leaders, families who have been there forever. This is not just a small bunch of little kids whose feelings were hurt when someone told them they needed to follow the rules. That point cannot be made strongly enough. I'm not a supporter of seeker-friendly churches, but I am a supporter of a church that is member-friendly.
I think it's very telling of both the leadership as well as the members when these family issues fester over the course of months and years. Since when can a family not communicate with itself? Isn't that the heart of true dysfunction? If we are a picture of a body, it seems that we have some kind of neurological problem since we cannot send signals that we are experiencing pain until we are so injured that amputation is needed. It's been easy for me to pinpoint what problems I see in my leaders, but it wasn't until recently that my husband pinpointed our part in this problem--we have not been friends with the people we go to church with. He remembers a time when he was friends with other church members. They met after church for meals; they spent time together; they talked about everything, not just life (what's-been-good-on-television) stuff, but spiritual things because it was an overflow of their lives, not because they had been given a list of discussion questions to talk about at the end of a chapter. Since when does a family need a list of questions in order to have a conversation? Church members are a family, not a group of stockholders.
For months I've become irritated when our leaders have spoken from the pulpit about the congregation needing to be more open with each other when I have yet to see them be open with us. And while I still feel that that issue is very valid, I need to see it first in my own life and seek to change that in my life before I can approach anyone else for his or her offense. I need to be inviting more people into my life. I need to sacrifice some of my family time for church family time. Maybe it's time for us to carve out time from youth sports, homeschooling, hobbies, a perfectly clean house, baking, school projects, and me time in order to make ourselves a family with our fellow believers. The church isn't a non-profit corporation wherein we keep things on a professional level. The very essence of family is that things are on a very personal level. And if we are to be one body, we need to know where we are hurt in order to know how to minister and aid in healing ourselves.
This is not a resolved piece or situation. I have debated whether I should post this or just file it away somewhere in the recesses of my computer. However, there have been lots of conversations around me about what the problems are and what the focus needs to be. I have not been able to find a voice in the conversation other than writing out this piece and talking with my husband and hopefully through both of these methods I've been able to sort through things in my mind. I share this now with you in order to continue the conversation.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a member of a church and what a church body should look like. During difficult days, it's easy to look at another church body and wish you could be there. It's happy there, people love each other there, it isn't awkward there. My church has been wrestling through some family issues in the last few months, if not years, and it's made me wonder what the root problem is and how I can fix it. There's been lots of offenses and hurt feelings that have appeared to me to be downplayed. Lots of families have left--not just any families, but families of church leaders, families who have been there forever. This is not just a small bunch of little kids whose feelings were hurt when someone told them they needed to follow the rules. That point cannot be made strongly enough. I'm not a supporter of seeker-friendly churches, but I am a supporter of a church that is member-friendly.
I think it's very telling of both the leadership as well as the members when these family issues fester over the course of months and years. Since when can a family not communicate with itself? Isn't that the heart of true dysfunction? If we are a picture of a body, it seems that we have some kind of neurological problem since we cannot send signals that we are experiencing pain until we are so injured that amputation is needed. It's been easy for me to pinpoint what problems I see in my leaders, but it wasn't until recently that my husband pinpointed our part in this problem--we have not been friends with the people we go to church with. He remembers a time when he was friends with other church members. They met after church for meals; they spent time together; they talked about everything, not just life (what's-been-good-on-television) stuff, but spiritual things because it was an overflow of their lives, not because they had been given a list of discussion questions to talk about at the end of a chapter. Since when does a family need a list of questions in order to have a conversation? Church members are a family, not a group of stockholders.
For months I've become irritated when our leaders have spoken from the pulpit about the congregation needing to be more open with each other when I have yet to see them be open with us. And while I still feel that that issue is very valid, I need to see it first in my own life and seek to change that in my life before I can approach anyone else for his or her offense. I need to be inviting more people into my life. I need to sacrifice some of my family time for church family time. Maybe it's time for us to carve out time from youth sports, homeschooling, hobbies, a perfectly clean house, baking, school projects, and me time in order to make ourselves a family with our fellow believers. The church isn't a non-profit corporation wherein we keep things on a professional level. The very essence of family is that things are on a very personal level. And if we are to be one body, we need to know where we are hurt in order to know how to minister and aid in healing ourselves.
This is not a resolved piece or situation. I have debated whether I should post this or just file it away somewhere in the recesses of my computer. However, there have been lots of conversations around me about what the problems are and what the focus needs to be. I have not been able to find a voice in the conversation other than writing out this piece and talking with my husband and hopefully through both of these methods I've been able to sort through things in my mind. I share this now with you in order to continue the conversation.
Monday, August 4, 2014
When Your Best Isn't Breast
Before I gave birth to my first child, I knew I would be nursing him. I had heard about all the benefits and while there was some vague mention about learning how to breastfeed, but I mostly heard about how wondering it was for both mom and baby. Baby boy was born. We weren't even out of the hospital before I had cracked and bleeding nipples from a bad latch. The nurses tried to help, but it wasn't until I met with an independent lactation consultant that things started to progress to bearable. My son was supplemented the whole time I nursed him. My body just didn't make enough. Maybe it was due to supplementing early on. Maybe it was due to him staying in the nursery the first night. There are so many different factors, it's hard to pinpoint where I went wrong.
Two years later my daughter was born and I was determined to do things right. I exclusively nursed her until the nurses said that she had lost too much weight and needed supplementing. I listened and she had supplements. I started taking mallunggay to help my supply and did all the right things. I drank water, I drank beer, I took all the supplements. I started out with an oversupply. Y'all. It felt great. Even through discovering that she had a milk protein allergy and living without my beloved ice cream, I nursed.
Months into nursing, my supply went down. I nursed all the time, drank water, everything. But, after considering all the details, I decided to wean to formula. I hated it, but I hated it less than last time. Breastfeeding awareness week is kind of tough for me. I see lots of mothers proudly boasting about their breastfeeding accomplishments, posting pictures of themselves nursing their babies, talking about how wonderful nursing is. I'm very pro-breastfeeding. However, breastfeeding awareness week is hard for me. The majority of women can do something I can't.
I'm not writing this to discourage those moms out there who are sacrificing their time, comfort, to do lists, figures, and so many other things in order to provide their best for their babies. I'm writing this for the mom out there who feels wretched about her lack of ability to breastfeed her baby until the desired age to wean. I'm writing for the mom who never made enough milk to begin with. I'm writing for the mom whose body never got the message to make milk at all. I'm with you. It's tough. This didn't go the way you wanted it to go.
I've discovered that this is only the beginning of things not going the way I want them to go in my children's lives. There are going to be so many other things that mess up and go wrong. Let's not campout there, though, ladies. Let's not dwell in the difficulty. There is a time in every mom's life when she needs to say, "This is the best I can do" and leave the rest for God to make up for her. We cannot meet all the needs before us. There's not enough energy and ability. This, for those of us who don't make enough, is an opportunity for us to let go the guilt and ask God to meet the needs of our child because we can't. And after that, do what you can and don't worry or stress about not doing enough or being enough because God is more than enough. He can and will do what we can't.
Two years later my daughter was born and I was determined to do things right. I exclusively nursed her until the nurses said that she had lost too much weight and needed supplementing. I listened and she had supplements. I started taking mallunggay to help my supply and did all the right things. I drank water, I drank beer, I took all the supplements. I started out with an oversupply. Y'all. It felt great. Even through discovering that she had a milk protein allergy and living without my beloved ice cream, I nursed.
Months into nursing, my supply went down. I nursed all the time, drank water, everything. But, after considering all the details, I decided to wean to formula. I hated it, but I hated it less than last time. Breastfeeding awareness week is kind of tough for me. I see lots of mothers proudly boasting about their breastfeeding accomplishments, posting pictures of themselves nursing their babies, talking about how wonderful nursing is. I'm very pro-breastfeeding. However, breastfeeding awareness week is hard for me. The majority of women can do something I can't.
I'm not writing this to discourage those moms out there who are sacrificing their time, comfort, to do lists, figures, and so many other things in order to provide their best for their babies. I'm writing this for the mom out there who feels wretched about her lack of ability to breastfeed her baby until the desired age to wean. I'm writing for the mom who never made enough milk to begin with. I'm writing for the mom whose body never got the message to make milk at all. I'm with you. It's tough. This didn't go the way you wanted it to go.
I've discovered that this is only the beginning of things not going the way I want them to go in my children's lives. There are going to be so many other things that mess up and go wrong. Let's not campout there, though, ladies. Let's not dwell in the difficulty. There is a time in every mom's life when she needs to say, "This is the best I can do" and leave the rest for God to make up for her. We cannot meet all the needs before us. There's not enough energy and ability. This, for those of us who don't make enough, is an opportunity for us to let go the guilt and ask God to meet the needs of our child because we can't. And after that, do what you can and don't worry or stress about not doing enough or being enough because God is more than enough. He can and will do what we can't.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Birth Control and Other Matters of the Heart
Lately, I’ve been thinking about birth control. If I believe that the Bible is true and that children are a blessing, why would I choose not to be blessed? It’s a really valid point. I should note that right now my baby is eight months old and the last few nights has started sleeping better, so it may just be rest talking. But children are a blessing. I want to maintain that perspective regardless of how my thoughts settle on the subject for our family. I don’t think badly of people who are on some kind of hormonal birth control or those who choose to say that their family is complete. I guess the question for our family is how much is there of me that can be spread around so that all the other members of my family are loved and taken care of as best as I could be able to fulfill. I don’t know the answer to that right now. Emotionally speaking, I could be giving more to the current members as well as to more. Energy wise, I fluctuate.
I once heard a story of a little girl and her mother at a pro life rally. The little girl asked her mother if a mommy and daddy could choose not to have a baby and the mother answered yes. The little girl was quiet for a time and then said, “I think that’s selfish.” How do you respond to something like that? It is selfish, but it’s also much more complicated than that, but is it more complicated than that? Am I going to pick and choose which areas to trust God’s sovereignty? However, I don’t believe all human prevention or intervention is wrong or a lack of faith in God’s provision. God gave us minds with which to reason. Am I really comparing medicine to heal someone with birth control to prevent conception? I’m not comfortable with that. Children are a blessing. I firmly believe that children are a blessing.
It is also a blessing to serve others. I think I can go with this. It is a blessing to serve others, but there are times when it is wise to step back from some responsibilities that are not necessary in order to take care of yourself and your family. Can I take care of my whole family by refraining from adding to it?
I’ve known lots of large families. It’s one of the benefits of being homeschooled. I’ve known families with ten, eleven, twelve children in it. I’m friends with one young lady from a large family, more than six children in it. When she got married, her family had the wedding at her parents’ house and invited the wedding party to spend the night there. What a gesture of hospitality! After spending some time with them, I decided that large families weren’t for everyone. Each child in his or her own way was vying for attention from all of us that were visiting and I began to understand that the antics of my friend who was getting married were also the result of looking for attention. I want to be able to give each of my children as much attention as he or she needs in order to prevent them from being so needy in other social circumstances.
Really and truly I do believe that most mothers probably understand this principle already. I do believe that God provides for each family what it needs. I believe children are a blessing. I also believe that I am finite and have finite resources. I also believe that if God intends for someone to have a large family, He also puts the desire for it in their heart. While it may seem that I’ve got a nice bit of closure to this subject, I have a feeling that I’ll still wrestle through it. With each new season of life, I think I’ll always be asking myself, “Is this all I can handle? Is God placing on my heart to have another?” Not only do I need to trust Him with what I have, but also to place on my heart what it is that He would have for me.
Really and truly I do believe that most mothers probably understand this principle already. I do believe that God provides for each family what it needs. I believe children are a blessing. I also believe that I am finite and have finite resources. I also believe that if God intends for someone to have a large family, He also puts the desire for it in their heart. While it may seem that I’ve got a nice bit of closure to this subject, I have a feeling that I’ll still wrestle through it. With each new season of life, I think I’ll always be asking myself, “Is this all I can handle? Is God placing on my heart to have another?” Not only do I need to trust Him with what I have, but also to place on my heart what it is that He would have for me.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Consequences and Promises
I love stories and seeing stories played out in the lives of friends and family members and I suspect it has something to do with being a relational person. I'm friends with a young lady who was raised by parents who directed her in similar ways that my parents did me. Both our parents directed us to be wise in our romantic relationships before we got married. And this is a good thing. However, I want to say that there is a difference between a conservative label on a relationship and actual wisdom in that relationship.
Before I write any more I want to say that this young lady and her family are not stupid people. These are intelligent people who have chosen to live life differently than I do and in that I want to explain why I have made the choices I have.
When I was thirteen years old, I read the book "I Kissed Dating Good-bye" like my peers and also like my peers I vowed that I would also not be tossed about in a dating relationship because they were pointless and would only break my heart and blah-buh-blah-buh-blah. Naive. Can you smell the acne medicine? And to be quite honest with you, I had a major crush at the time on this young man four years older than me and he had read the book and made the vow and I thought that if I did the same, he might like me more and want to "court" me. Yes. I was thirteen and he was seventeen and I wanted to be in a relationship with someone to see if we should one day get married. Shocking, I know, but I felt the need to be totally transparent with you, the internet.
The opportunity didn't arise to date anyone in high school (we had all kissed it good-bye), so in college I really was interested in being in a relationship with someone to see if we could one day get married. This is where I can get irritable--labels. Just because a person is not technically in a relationship with someone does not mean that there is nothing to fear about hearts being broken or lines being crossed. Conservatives, I'm talking to you. I didn't date in college either, but only because there was a string of us each completely in love with someone who did not reciprocate our feelings because he or she was in love with someone else. Seriously. (George loved Ilsa who loved Brandon who loved me who loved Jack who loved another girl with my same first name, but was blonde and had bigger boobs. Drama much?)
I will get back to my friend now. She met a young man and primarily corresponded with him during their pre-marriage relationship. I believe she had met with this young man in person somewhere in the neighborhood of less than ten times in person before they got married. They had courted, though, and she seemed confident that their story was a triumphant example to all those who would follow. I was skeptical about it, but shrugged it off since I wasn't her mother or best friend and I didn't have a place to say anything to her (especially since she had gotten married by the time I heard her story).
The relationship went through the ringer almost right away. She unexpectedly became pregnant and had a honeymoon baby (a wonderful blessing, but a HUGE change in a short amount of time and thus a lot of stress), he had difficulty keeping jobs and thus they moved a lot, including far away from her family. It has been exceptionally difficult and she has needed to spend some time away from him in order to sort through some difficulties. I am not writing this in order to drag her down or say that she was stupid. Y'all, she did was she thought was best and wisest for her and other than getting married really fast, I can't fault her for any of her choices. My point is that being conservative is not a guarantee that you will be blessed. Sure, there are certain consequences for stupidity that a person won't have to face if they aren't stupid, but living life in a way that glorifies God does not mean that you will never face difficulties, even in the realm of male/female relationships.
I think this is something my fellow homeschooled peers and I are discovering. We can look at our lives and some of the difficulties we've faced and I'm sure at some point in time, we've turned to God and said, "I don't understand. I followed Your principles. I obeyed, not perfectly, but I didn't disobey enough to deserve THIS." Somewhere in there we understood that if we lived in obedience we were promised certain specific blessings we had planned out. "If I homeschool my kids, they'll grow up to be good kids." "If I court instead of date, I'll have a great marriage." "If I kiss dating good-bye, I'll never have a broken heart."
Lies. God is not obligated to us. Just as there are bad consequences for disobedience, there can be good consequences for obedience, but this is not a promise that you will never face brokenness because you have been obedient. God is still good. Sometimes He needs to teach us that we have made idols out of blessings instead of the Blesser. Sometimes He needs to teach us that we need to trust Him and not a formula. It's a tough lesson to learn, but it's one we need to have drilled into our minds.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
What's a Girl to Do?
A few days ago I listened to a sermon excerpt from one of Mark Driscoll's sermons. It was the one where he screamed at young men for mistreating women. He told the men that she was "God's daughter" and "HOW DARE YOU?" I have nothing against that part, although the passion with which he speaks would wear me out if I went to his church. Since then, I've thought about that phrase, "God's daughter." It's been a very market-able phrase. Just flip through any CBS catalog and there you will find pink Bibles, devotionals, all very pro-female paraphernalia. It smells very similar to Disney princess paraphernalia. "You can do it!" "Follow your heart!" "Daughter of a King" Can you just smell the cucumber melon?
When I found out I was going to have a daughter, I had the same reaction as I did when I found out I was going to be having a son. "What in the world am I going to do with a child of this gender?" I did know instantly that I wanted to avoid princess-y things. If she had anything of that in her personality, it would be healthy enough without any encouragement. Having a son is pretty simple to me--raise him to be a godly man--strong, protective, kind, etc. Having a daughter is somehow a mystery, though I am also a daughter. There are so many nuances to being a female in this American culture. There are those women who fight for causes. There are those who pursue home-making. There are those who desire power in their careers. There are those who pursue academics. So many different types, I dare not try to describe each.
What type of woman should I encourage my daughter to be? "Just follow your heart" is nonsense since Proverbs teaches us that the heart is deceitfully wicked. And there aren't many Bible verses about what young women should do other than serve their husbands and children which women are not guaranteed. Recently Kirsten Dunst was bashed for her comments on how a man should be a man and a woman should be a woman. I don't disagree with the idea, but I want to be cautious how that idea is defined and applied. If you're looking for a definition from me about what a woman should be, you might as well stop reading right now. I'm still wrestling with that idea. Maybe by the time I'm in my 80s I'll have something to report.
I am struck with what I'm sure a woman isn't. While it's true that a Christian young woman is God's daughter, that does not give her license to behave in a "princess" fashion. Young women get this idea of entitlement from being called "princess" or sometimes from being called "God's daughter." Yes, it is a position of strength and power, but that shouldn't be used to sit primly on a cushioned chair in self-righteousness. It's a position of action.
I wonder what the reaction of the general Christian population would be if there were T-shirts with "God's Son" written on the chest. (Let's not even go into the fact that "God's Daughter" is printed across the chest of girls' T-shirts.) It's true. It occurred to me this morning that while I am God's daughter, I'm also married to one of God's sons. Instead of wondering how he's been treating me as one of God's daughters (where the heck are my bon-bons????), I started wondering how I should be treating him.
One of the things I love about Neo Raphaelite paintings is the depiction of the relationship between the men and women. It strikes me as so empowering to both parties. The men are gentle with the women and the women are encouraging to the men. Perhaps I read/see too much of a message in these paintings, but since the artists aren't here to correct me, we'll go with it. I think young women often get so caught up in the romanticism of being this princess "and we get to wear these cool dresses and oh, look at my hair, and I'm so regal" that they forget about what they're supposed to be doing.
Which brings us back to what a girl should be doing. Specifics are all either ridiculous or stereotypical to me right now, so I'm sticking to what I wrote earlier. I'm not going to try to define femininity. Not going to happen. I will, however, say that it should be the goal of all Christian women to find a way to serve others. Princesses should not see themselves as these wondrous persons whom God has chosen and are gifts to this world, though they are. Princesses should see themselves as ambassadors with the mission of reconciliation to take to the world. And how that is accomplished will depend on the unique nature of the princess.
When I found out I was going to have a daughter, I had the same reaction as I did when I found out I was going to be having a son. "What in the world am I going to do with a child of this gender?" I did know instantly that I wanted to avoid princess-y things. If she had anything of that in her personality, it would be healthy enough without any encouragement. Having a son is pretty simple to me--raise him to be a godly man--strong, protective, kind, etc. Having a daughter is somehow a mystery, though I am also a daughter. There are so many nuances to being a female in this American culture. There are those women who fight for causes. There are those who pursue home-making. There are those who desire power in their careers. There are those who pursue academics. So many different types, I dare not try to describe each.
What type of woman should I encourage my daughter to be? "Just follow your heart" is nonsense since Proverbs teaches us that the heart is deceitfully wicked. And there aren't many Bible verses about what young women should do other than serve their husbands and children which women are not guaranteed. Recently Kirsten Dunst was bashed for her comments on how a man should be a man and a woman should be a woman. I don't disagree with the idea, but I want to be cautious how that idea is defined and applied. If you're looking for a definition from me about what a woman should be, you might as well stop reading right now. I'm still wrestling with that idea. Maybe by the time I'm in my 80s I'll have something to report.
I am struck with what I'm sure a woman isn't. While it's true that a Christian young woman is God's daughter, that does not give her license to behave in a "princess" fashion. Young women get this idea of entitlement from being called "princess" or sometimes from being called "God's daughter." Yes, it is a position of strength and power, but that shouldn't be used to sit primly on a cushioned chair in self-righteousness. It's a position of action.
I wonder what the reaction of the general Christian population would be if there were T-shirts with "God's Son" written on the chest. (Let's not even go into the fact that "God's Daughter" is printed across the chest of girls' T-shirts.) It's true. It occurred to me this morning that while I am God's daughter, I'm also married to one of God's sons. Instead of wondering how he's been treating me as one of God's daughters (where the heck are my bon-bons????), I started wondering how I should be treating him.
One of the things I love about Neo Raphaelite paintings is the depiction of the relationship between the men and women. It strikes me as so empowering to both parties. The men are gentle with the women and the women are encouraging to the men. Perhaps I read/see too much of a message in these paintings, but since the artists aren't here to correct me, we'll go with it. I think young women often get so caught up in the romanticism of being this princess "and we get to wear these cool dresses and oh, look at my hair, and I'm so regal" that they forget about what they're supposed to be doing.
Which brings us back to what a girl should be doing. Specifics are all either ridiculous or stereotypical to me right now, so I'm sticking to what I wrote earlier. I'm not going to try to define femininity. Not going to happen. I will, however, say that it should be the goal of all Christian women to find a way to serve others. Princesses should not see themselves as these wondrous persons whom God has chosen and are gifts to this world, though they are. Princesses should see themselves as ambassadors with the mission of reconciliation to take to the world. And how that is accomplished will depend on the unique nature of the princess.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
His Love for Me
Tonight was one of many nights lately when, at the end of my rope, I left the room where my kids and hubby were and went to be alone. I cried in a corner of my room because it is so hard right now. Marianne's nights are not consistent--sometimes she sleeps 8+ hours, but most of the time her longest stretch is 4 hours and then every 2 hours after that. She's VERY gassy and seems to always have an upset stomach. She has reflux, a dairy intolerance, and hates it when anyone other than me or her dad hold her. High maintenance. And some evenings I've reached my limit for hearing her cries without losing it.
That happened again this evening. I cried to God about how tough it was to feel like every single thing I ate upset her stomach and maybe I should just wean her to formula so that at least one thing would remain consistent. I took a short break when my hubby came in and asked me why I was alone/if he was in trouble. When he found out that he wasn't in trouble, he asked to hear my thoughts, but then clumsily proceeded to inform me that the internet was out and stepped back into his cyber world before I had finished what I was saying. It wasn't intentional, but it came across as a lack of care for me and my feelings.
So, I went back to being alone, this time crying about my inconsiderate husband. I cried and cried to God. And then I heard her crying from the other room. That obnoxious little cry that NEVER SEEMED TO END! "God, I'm so TIRED of hearing . . . her . . . cry." The last few words fell slowly as a flood of realization washed over me. How many times had I come crying to God? And had He ever been irritated with me or tired of hearing me complain or cry? And He never grows tired of me, no matter how often I come crying. Even in writing this, I cannot capture the conviction, the assurance, the peace, the solid presence I felt when I came to that realization. So, I got up, wiped away my tears, and discovered that God had given me exactly what I needed to go take care of my baby's needs--the realization of His love for me.
That happened again this evening. I cried to God about how tough it was to feel like every single thing I ate upset her stomach and maybe I should just wean her to formula so that at least one thing would remain consistent. I took a short break when my hubby came in and asked me why I was alone/if he was in trouble. When he found out that he wasn't in trouble, he asked to hear my thoughts, but then clumsily proceeded to inform me that the internet was out and stepped back into his cyber world before I had finished what I was saying. It wasn't intentional, but it came across as a lack of care for me and my feelings.
So, I went back to being alone, this time crying about my inconsiderate husband. I cried and cried to God. And then I heard her crying from the other room. That obnoxious little cry that NEVER SEEMED TO END! "God, I'm so TIRED of hearing . . . her . . . cry." The last few words fell slowly as a flood of realization washed over me. How many times had I come crying to God? And had He ever been irritated with me or tired of hearing me complain or cry? And He never grows tired of me, no matter how often I come crying. Even in writing this, I cannot capture the conviction, the assurance, the peace, the solid presence I felt when I came to that realization. So, I got up, wiped away my tears, and discovered that God had given me exactly what I needed to go take care of my baby's needs--the realization of His love for me.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
The Best Things in Life Aren't Free
I've been told most of my life by various people who have various different types of relationships with me that the best things in life are free and by that they mean that those things don't cost money. Snuggles with a baby, holding hands with a loved one, the complete adoration that can only come from a dog, all these things aren't things that can be bought, though I suppose you can buy a dog and thus gain affection from it, but work with me--I'm making a point.
Almost three months ago I gave birth to my third child and second child I'm getting to keep for awhile. She's beautiful. Just beautiful. I had a late term ultrasound to check on her before she was born and on that 3-D image, I could see that my little girl had the most kissable chubby cheeks. Just darling. And she still has them. And this time has been much easier than last time. With my first child, I had no idea the cost. He cost my energy, my looks, what little emotional stability I had, my comfort, my sleep, my time, what felt like my everything. There were days when I wondered why we decided to have kids. It did not feel worth the cost. The crying, oh, the urgency that comes with a newborn's cries! And how to fix it? I'd heard parents laugh about how they wished their children came with user's manuals, and I found it to be true. And it wasn't a joke, but a serious reality--why couldn't someone else tell me how to do this? "Just get to know your child and you'll know better than anyone else" or "Go with your mommy gut" didn't help me at all. And everyone else seemed to know everything about children, but they all disagreed and how in the world did anyone KNOW how to do this?
Time passed and I gained more mommy hours and learned, SLOWLY, how to be my firstborn's mommy. And then we started getting more sleep. And we started being able to better communicate. His cries changed from the generic "Fix it now, Mommy!" cries to "Hey, my tummy is hurting" or "I'm starving, FEED ME NOW!" And then, one special day, he smiled. He started smiling more often. And the cost didn't seem so much.
With my second "here" child (who is currently crying to either be fed or get up from her nap which was entirely too short), I still see the cost--nursing, time, energy, looks (stretch marks look like tiger stripes on my sides). And there's still cost for my now-toddler. He needs interaction, love, hugs, food, nap times, discipline, running, repetitions of, "Yes, Buddy, I see the big truck." Motherhood costs so so much. And it's worth it. It's costing me so very much and it's worth every single investment because these smiles, these hugs, these "I wuv you, Mommy"s are worth every sleepless night and every moment of frustration.
Almost three months ago I gave birth to my third child and second child I'm getting to keep for awhile. She's beautiful. Just beautiful. I had a late term ultrasound to check on her before she was born and on that 3-D image, I could see that my little girl had the most kissable chubby cheeks. Just darling. And she still has them. And this time has been much easier than last time. With my first child, I had no idea the cost. He cost my energy, my looks, what little emotional stability I had, my comfort, my sleep, my time, what felt like my everything. There were days when I wondered why we decided to have kids. It did not feel worth the cost. The crying, oh, the urgency that comes with a newborn's cries! And how to fix it? I'd heard parents laugh about how they wished their children came with user's manuals, and I found it to be true. And it wasn't a joke, but a serious reality--why couldn't someone else tell me how to do this? "Just get to know your child and you'll know better than anyone else" or "Go with your mommy gut" didn't help me at all. And everyone else seemed to know everything about children, but they all disagreed and how in the world did anyone KNOW how to do this?
Time passed and I gained more mommy hours and learned, SLOWLY, how to be my firstborn's mommy. And then we started getting more sleep. And we started being able to better communicate. His cries changed from the generic "Fix it now, Mommy!" cries to "Hey, my tummy is hurting" or "I'm starving, FEED ME NOW!" And then, one special day, he smiled. He started smiling more often. And the cost didn't seem so much.
With my second "here" child (who is currently crying to either be fed or get up from her nap which was entirely too short), I still see the cost--nursing, time, energy, looks (stretch marks look like tiger stripes on my sides). And there's still cost for my now-toddler. He needs interaction, love, hugs, food, nap times, discipline, running, repetitions of, "Yes, Buddy, I see the big truck." Motherhood costs so so much. And it's worth it. It's costing me so very much and it's worth every single investment because these smiles, these hugs, these "I wuv you, Mommy"s are worth every sleepless night and every moment of frustration.
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