Before I gave birth to my first child, I knew I would be nursing him. I had heard about all the benefits and while there was some vague mention about learning how to breastfeed, but I mostly heard about how wondering it was for both mom and baby. Baby boy was born. We weren't even out of the hospital before I had cracked and bleeding nipples from a bad latch. The nurses tried to help, but it wasn't until I met with an independent lactation consultant that things started to progress to bearable. My son was supplemented the whole time I nursed him. My body just didn't make enough. Maybe it was due to supplementing early on. Maybe it was due to him staying in the nursery the first night. There are so many different factors, it's hard to pinpoint where I went wrong.
Two years later my daughter was born and I was determined to do things right. I exclusively nursed her until the nurses said that she had lost too much weight and needed supplementing. I listened and she had supplements. I started taking mallunggay to help my supply and did all the right things. I drank water, I drank beer, I took all the supplements. I started out with an oversupply. Y'all. It felt great. Even through discovering that she had a milk protein allergy and living without my beloved ice cream, I nursed.
Months into nursing, my supply went down. I nursed all the time, drank water, everything. But, after considering all the details, I decided to wean to formula. I hated it, but I hated it less than last time. Breastfeeding awareness week is kind of tough for me. I see lots of mothers proudly boasting about their breastfeeding accomplishments, posting pictures of themselves nursing their babies, talking about how wonderful nursing is. I'm very pro-breastfeeding. However, breastfeeding awareness week is hard for me. The majority of women can do something I can't.
I'm not writing this to discourage those moms out there who are sacrificing their time, comfort, to do lists, figures, and so many other things in order to provide their best for their babies. I'm writing this for the mom out there who feels wretched about her lack of ability to breastfeed her baby until the desired age to wean. I'm writing for the mom who never made enough milk to begin with. I'm writing for the mom whose body never got the message to make milk at all. I'm with you. It's tough. This didn't go the way you wanted it to go.
I've discovered that this is only the beginning of things not going the way I want them to go in my children's lives. There are going to be so many other things that mess up and go wrong. Let's not campout there, though, ladies. Let's not dwell in the difficulty. There is a time in every mom's life when she needs to say, "This is the best I can do" and leave the rest for God to make up for her. We cannot meet all the needs before us. There's not enough energy and ability. This, for those of us who don't make enough, is an opportunity for us to let go the guilt and ask God to meet the needs of our child because we can't. And after that, do what you can and don't worry or stress about not doing enough or being enough because God is more than enough. He can and will do what we can't.
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