Sometimes I feel like I'm still adjusting to married life. My other siblings live in the same town we grew up in and get to see each other fairly often. My husband and I only live an hour away, but somehow there seems to be more distance between myself and my family than the miles between us. It was difficult on all of us when I got married. None of us knew how intentional we would have to become about seeing each other and I had thought that we would go there at least once a week. We don't. Life got busy and yet, I still somehow have time to miss being there.
Maybe the separation wasn't originated in my marriage, but when I went away to college. My siblings would remark on how I'd changed--not in a positive way, but with resentment in their voices. Ever since college I've been at arm's length, but while I was single, it was easier to make myself part of the family again. Now even though it's just three of us right now, it's tough to get us all anywhere together. I miss my immediate family. I miss my extended family, too. I used to be so close to so many of them. It seems we've become acquaintances.
Worse, some of my family, I don't like anymore. In a way, I blame Geoffrey's influence. I've changed since we got married. I spend less time talking about how much I hate drama and more time making myself let go of getting worked up over it. I'm not going to be able to go to my extended family's reunion and I've very mixed feelings on it. I miss them. "Miss" isn't strong enough a word for it. Deep in my heart, I yearn for that fellowship we used to have--laughing so hard I started tearing, talking late at night about secret things, feeling the burden someone else is carrying.
On the other hand, they have changed as well. My uncles aren't what they used to be. There's less laughter and more debates. It seems that we've all gotten very, terribly serious about so many things: convictions, politics, relationships. Escaping the severity of that seriousness is nice. I long for those days when I was younger because those were the days when I was unaware of so many turmoils. We laughed; we shared; we all knew that we loved each other.
Perhaps those days will come around again. I think young children bring that back. My cousins and I have started the next generation. Maybe with the pitter-patter of little feet, we'll all regain the laughter and love.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Food
I have been on this diet for two months. And I'm starting to get over it. I know I should keep it up--I've lost weight, my acne is clearing up (unless I cheat), I have lots more energy. It's stinkingly super healthy. Oh, but baby, I miss sugar and grains. Praise God for almond flour and Stevia and watermelon, or else I would not have made it this far! A few months ago I was having a conversation with my mentor and she confronted me on some idols of the heart I had, the biggest one being comfort. I comfort myself a lot with food and body image. I want to feel comforted by being told that I look good and yet, I also want to be able to eat raw cookie dough as often as I want. Completely unrealistic, but hey, I want what I want regardless of reality.
I've had a couple of Moments about it. In the evening something will trigger it and I'll start crying to my husband about how tough this is and he encourages me and makes new suggestions and tell me how awesome I've done so far. And then it occurs to me how very connected my life is to food. First, it really shouldn't be a big deal to abstain from eating certain foods. The main purpose of food is to nourish, not to bring pleasure. Second, my job in my family is to oversee meals and housekeeping. So, this whole not-caring-about-what-we're-having-for-dinner is merely an excuse not to do my job. I had an out while I was pregnant and when the Mouse-kee was little bitty, but now it's become laziness.
And it's time to stop whining about it and just do it. Granted, the limitations take out quite a few meals that I would be fairly happy to make. Up until now, I've seen this as yet another aggravation. Not only do I have to cook, but I also am not allowed to use these things. No, it is not another load, but an opportunity to be creative about this. I've also been reminded of the seriousness of where my lifestyle was headed. I was headed toward diabetes, which, yes, can be managed. However, there are complications in having diabetes. And I am not willing to comfort myself with food I like at the risk of putting myself and my family at risk of something bad happening to me. That may sound narcissistic, but I don't think it's too far a stretch to think that (at least at this age) I'm a pretty essential part in my son's life. So, I press on. Be prepared, though. I will likely write more about the whole food thing later on. It's kind of a big deal to me right now.
I've had a couple of Moments about it. In the evening something will trigger it and I'll start crying to my husband about how tough this is and he encourages me and makes new suggestions and tell me how awesome I've done so far. And then it occurs to me how very connected my life is to food. First, it really shouldn't be a big deal to abstain from eating certain foods. The main purpose of food is to nourish, not to bring pleasure. Second, my job in my family is to oversee meals and housekeeping. So, this whole not-caring-about-what-we're-having-for-dinner is merely an excuse not to do my job. I had an out while I was pregnant and when the Mouse-kee was little bitty, but now it's become laziness.
And it's time to stop whining about it and just do it. Granted, the limitations take out quite a few meals that I would be fairly happy to make. Up until now, I've seen this as yet another aggravation. Not only do I have to cook, but I also am not allowed to use these things. No, it is not another load, but an opportunity to be creative about this. I've also been reminded of the seriousness of where my lifestyle was headed. I was headed toward diabetes, which, yes, can be managed. However, there are complications in having diabetes. And I am not willing to comfort myself with food I like at the risk of putting myself and my family at risk of something bad happening to me. That may sound narcissistic, but I don't think it's too far a stretch to think that (at least at this age) I'm a pretty essential part in my son's life. So, I press on. Be prepared, though. I will likely write more about the whole food thing later on. It's kind of a big deal to me right now.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
The Elephant's Name
My church has started a new Sunday school series on marriage and it's been pretty good. We've discussed the reasons for getting married and what to look for in a companion and I must admit that the presence of unmarried people and young children seems to have colored the discussion. When the class was asked, "why did you get married?" no one wanted to acknowledge the gigantic elephant in the room. Answers ranged from "companionship" to "help around the house" and "friendship." "Friendship" won as what should be the reason for getting married.
I disagree. While it's most definitely true that you should marry someone that you can be best friends with and that friendship is a wonderful basis for marriage, I am much better being friends with women than men. I understand women and there's much more commonality with women than men. I lived for four years with a roommate in college and am still close friends with my roomies. I would never have gone looking to spend the rest of my life with a man if it had not been for one thing--I am incapable of living a holy life without marital sex.
Yes, I used the "S" word. And I meant it. And since when did talking about sex or using the word "sex" become so taboo in churches? Youth leaders seem to be the only people talking about it and they're pretty good at telling the teenagers to wait, but since when do people need to talk in code from the pulpit? "Marital relations," "the physical side of marriage," "married people time." Society isn't speaking in code. Go through the line at the grocery store--a place you can't really avoid for long--and there it is in bright letters. Sex. Just glancing at magazine covers can be an educational experience to "sheltered" people. The world is obviously not going to back down from spreading false or deceiving information and if the church is supposed to stand firm, we'd better get our act together and stop making this an awkward subject. The only reason sex is an awkward subject is because we make it that way. We blush or start talking in code or . . . um, y'know, pause and stuff.
The first blunt sermon I heard on this was when a pastor was going through the seventh chapter in First Corinthians. He warned us ahead of time that these sermons would be PG-13 rated and if any parents wanted their children excluded, they were welcome to send their children to nurseries/other rooms in the church while we heard the message. Then he started with a tantalizing question for the single college students who were in the audience--would you like to know whether or not you were meant to get married. Psh-yeah! I've never paid more attention to a sermon in my life. It was quite simple. If you cannot resist sexual temptation, then God never intended for you to stay unmarried. I left elated, knowing I was never meant to stay single.
Some people may raise their eyebrows at that last statement and I realize that it is a bit revealing of my character, but I think that's something people in general need to be willing to admit and talk about if the situation arises. When my daughters reach the age when they start thinking about sexual things, I want to be able to sit down with them and have an honest conversation about it. I want to be able to give them a heads up about pitfalls that may be in their paths.
I've heard many "how we got together stories" and many times the girl would say that she prayed and told God that she was ok with being single and when she meant it, The Right One came along. Not me. I prayed because I didn't know of a holy way to deal with the strong desires I was having and that God either needed to show me how to be abstinent in a holy way (which was not happening) or bring me a husband SOON. I was married a year later. While marriage does not make the struggles go away completely, praise God that He gave us a means by which these strong desires can be satiated in a pure way!
The reason I got married is not because I was looking for friendship. I had friends. I was looking for someone I could get frisky with and our actions be as holy as prayer. I was looking for a way to express my sexuality in a holy way. I was looking for friendship set on fire.
I disagree. While it's most definitely true that you should marry someone that you can be best friends with and that friendship is a wonderful basis for marriage, I am much better being friends with women than men. I understand women and there's much more commonality with women than men. I lived for four years with a roommate in college and am still close friends with my roomies. I would never have gone looking to spend the rest of my life with a man if it had not been for one thing--I am incapable of living a holy life without marital sex.
Yes, I used the "S" word. And I meant it. And since when did talking about sex or using the word "sex" become so taboo in churches? Youth leaders seem to be the only people talking about it and they're pretty good at telling the teenagers to wait, but since when do people need to talk in code from the pulpit? "Marital relations," "the physical side of marriage," "married people time." Society isn't speaking in code. Go through the line at the grocery store--a place you can't really avoid for long--and there it is in bright letters. Sex. Just glancing at magazine covers can be an educational experience to "sheltered" people. The world is obviously not going to back down from spreading false or deceiving information and if the church is supposed to stand firm, we'd better get our act together and stop making this an awkward subject. The only reason sex is an awkward subject is because we make it that way. We blush or start talking in code or . . . um, y'know, pause and stuff.
The first blunt sermon I heard on this was when a pastor was going through the seventh chapter in First Corinthians. He warned us ahead of time that these sermons would be PG-13 rated and if any parents wanted their children excluded, they were welcome to send their children to nurseries/other rooms in the church while we heard the message. Then he started with a tantalizing question for the single college students who were in the audience--would you like to know whether or not you were meant to get married. Psh-yeah! I've never paid more attention to a sermon in my life. It was quite simple. If you cannot resist sexual temptation, then God never intended for you to stay unmarried. I left elated, knowing I was never meant to stay single.
Some people may raise their eyebrows at that last statement and I realize that it is a bit revealing of my character, but I think that's something people in general need to be willing to admit and talk about if the situation arises. When my daughters reach the age when they start thinking about sexual things, I want to be able to sit down with them and have an honest conversation about it. I want to be able to give them a heads up about pitfalls that may be in their paths.
I've heard many "how we got together stories" and many times the girl would say that she prayed and told God that she was ok with being single and when she meant it, The Right One came along. Not me. I prayed because I didn't know of a holy way to deal with the strong desires I was having and that God either needed to show me how to be abstinent in a holy way (which was not happening) or bring me a husband SOON. I was married a year later. While marriage does not make the struggles go away completely, praise God that He gave us a means by which these strong desires can be satiated in a pure way!
The reason I got married is not because I was looking for friendship. I had friends. I was looking for someone I could get frisky with and our actions be as holy as prayer. I was looking for a way to express my sexuality in a holy way. I was looking for friendship set on fire.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Looking forward to
I have a friend coming this weekend. I'm kind of excited about it, not only because she's my best friend who lives far away, but also because she's willing to come to my house. I live half an hour to forty-five minutes away from my "local" friends and not only do I feel self-conscious about inviting them to come see me, but often times they aren't able or willing to do so. I mentioned to a friend how I was looking forward to this and it occurred to me how important it is to have something to look forward to.
I have a feeling that the reason why the day after (or even the afternoon of) Christmas day is so depressing is that we've spent so much time looking forward to it and it's depressing to have it over and done with. They say that brides often become depressed after they get married because the day they've been looking forward to has passed. I suspect that it's very important to have days to look forward to with anticipation. Day to day life can carry with it a feeling of hopelessness. Having something to look forward to can be motivation to keep going. And I need motivation right now.
I imagine that may be part of the reason God established days of feasting in the Old Testament. Mankind needs events to look forward to. And then it hit me how special it is to be living in this part of history--Christ has come and brought "salvation full and free," and yet the story isn't over yet. We still have the second coming to look forward to. Perhaps that's part of why the idea of eternity seems boring--all that time of that same thing. If we only knew what that "same thing" was like, we wouldn't find even the idea of it to be boring.
I have a feeling that the reason why the day after (or even the afternoon of) Christmas day is so depressing is that we've spent so much time looking forward to it and it's depressing to have it over and done with. They say that brides often become depressed after they get married because the day they've been looking forward to has passed. I suspect that it's very important to have days to look forward to with anticipation. Day to day life can carry with it a feeling of hopelessness. Having something to look forward to can be motivation to keep going. And I need motivation right now.
I imagine that may be part of the reason God established days of feasting in the Old Testament. Mankind needs events to look forward to. And then it hit me how special it is to be living in this part of history--Christ has come and brought "salvation full and free," and yet the story isn't over yet. We still have the second coming to look forward to. Perhaps that's part of why the idea of eternity seems boring--all that time of that same thing. If we only knew what that "same thing" was like, we wouldn't find even the idea of it to be boring.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Guidance
I have a new car! A mommy car! Ok, it is technically a used car, but it's new to me and that's what counts. The thing I love best about this new car is the speakers. I know that car speakers are notorious for being really crappy and my last car indeed had crappy speakers. However, these sound wonderful, especially when compared with the others. I have bass now. Really bass, not just a rattling in the speakers. And for the first time I listened to the soundtrack to the movie "Phantom of the Opera." While listening to it and marveling that my baby fell asleep while it was playing, I was struck by a phrase from one of those sweeping songs: to guard you and to guide you.
One summer at a Christian sports camp, I took part in an activity that was suppose to build trust. I don't remember why we were building trust with people we'd never me; but since I'm a follower and not a leader, I don't question. I did fairly well as a follower, making little stumbles, but nothing too awful--my guide was pretty good. None of us were perfect at it, but we all managed to follow each other along in a line. And then we switched. I had to guide the person who had been my guide. Things were going pretty well until we walked along the side of a hill. The hill wasn't terribly steep if you were walking along with sight to guide you, but the gravel was tricky and a few people slipped a little. My person completely wiped out and fell head over heels down that gravelly hill and all I could do was watch in horror as she skinned and bruised her legs and arms. She later said she felt ok and it wasn't my fault, but oh how wrong she was. I was her guide and it was my fault.
I've been married almost three years. Long enough to know that I don't know squat about marriage. And short enough to be insecure at times. And I have always thought that I'm as naturally submissive as any fallible human can be. I was wrong. During a Bible study lecture on submission, the speaker noted that submission isn't just lip service, but submitting deep in our hearts. She said that it was difficult to do this with anyone, but it's very challenging to do this with our husbands even in their failures.
When I heard that phrase, "To guard you and to guide you," I began to think of my time at camp and what a horrible guide I am. Granted, I'm not as bad as Lucky, the German Shepherd guide dog who led four of his owners to their death (true story!), but I really do stink at guiding. And in that it occurred to me how difficult it must be for my husband when he's guiding me to see me fail, even if he wasn't the direct cause of my failure. He takes it in stride, but it still must be a bit of a personal blow to him when I do. Even though I haven't been married long and all, knowing that kinda helps me.
One summer at a Christian sports camp, I took part in an activity that was suppose to build trust. I don't remember why we were building trust with people we'd never me; but since I'm a follower and not a leader, I don't question. I did fairly well as a follower, making little stumbles, but nothing too awful--my guide was pretty good. None of us were perfect at it, but we all managed to follow each other along in a line. And then we switched. I had to guide the person who had been my guide. Things were going pretty well until we walked along the side of a hill. The hill wasn't terribly steep if you were walking along with sight to guide you, but the gravel was tricky and a few people slipped a little. My person completely wiped out and fell head over heels down that gravelly hill and all I could do was watch in horror as she skinned and bruised her legs and arms. She later said she felt ok and it wasn't my fault, but oh how wrong she was. I was her guide and it was my fault.
I've been married almost three years. Long enough to know that I don't know squat about marriage. And short enough to be insecure at times. And I have always thought that I'm as naturally submissive as any fallible human can be. I was wrong. During a Bible study lecture on submission, the speaker noted that submission isn't just lip service, but submitting deep in our hearts. She said that it was difficult to do this with anyone, but it's very challenging to do this with our husbands even in their failures.
When I heard that phrase, "To guard you and to guide you," I began to think of my time at camp and what a horrible guide I am. Granted, I'm not as bad as Lucky, the German Shepherd guide dog who led four of his owners to their death (true story!), but I really do stink at guiding. And in that it occurred to me how difficult it must be for my husband when he's guiding me to see me fail, even if he wasn't the direct cause of my failure. He takes it in stride, but it still must be a bit of a personal blow to him when I do. Even though I haven't been married long and all, knowing that kinda helps me.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
I haven't blogged in so long. Part of that is because I used to have a blog and as friends will attest, I shared way too much personal information on there. I have a tendency to say too much and since I married someone who is the opposite of me in that way, I've come to realize that discretion was too underrated to me. And thus, I decided to clam up to the world.
However, I am a writer by nature and even if my writing doesn't measure up to the Annie Dillard standard, I must write in order to have sanity. I've been a little insane lately. And thus I am now starting to blog. My life right now consists of home making. How boring that sounds, but in reality it's not that bad. Every job has areas that become tedious.
I am married and have an almost ten month old little boy who has recently learned how to crawl (kind of). I cook, clean house, and attempt to organized all the stuff we've acquired. (It's amazing the amount of stuff, just STUFF, we have lying around that we mysterious have become responsible for.) I don't really know what this blog will be about, so I guess I'll leave it open for now.
However, I am a writer by nature and even if my writing doesn't measure up to the Annie Dillard standard, I must write in order to have sanity. I've been a little insane lately. And thus I am now starting to blog. My life right now consists of home making. How boring that sounds, but in reality it's not that bad. Every job has areas that become tedious.
I am married and have an almost ten month old little boy who has recently learned how to crawl (kind of). I cook, clean house, and attempt to organized all the stuff we've acquired. (It's amazing the amount of stuff, just STUFF, we have lying around that we mysterious have become responsible for.) I don't really know what this blog will be about, so I guess I'll leave it open for now.
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