Tonight was one of many nights lately when, at the end of my rope, I left the room where my kids and hubby were and went to be alone. I cried in a corner of my room because it is so hard right now. Marianne's nights are not consistent--sometimes she sleeps 8+ hours, but most of the time her longest stretch is 4 hours and then every 2 hours after that. She's VERY gassy and seems to always have an upset stomach. She has reflux, a dairy intolerance, and hates it when anyone other than me or her dad hold her. High maintenance. And some evenings I've reached my limit for hearing her cries without losing it.
That happened again this evening. I cried to God about how tough it was to feel like every single thing I ate upset her stomach and maybe I should just wean her to formula so that at least one thing would remain consistent. I took a short break when my hubby came in and asked me why I was alone/if he was in trouble. When he found out that he wasn't in trouble, he asked to hear my thoughts, but then clumsily proceeded to inform me that the internet was out and stepped back into his cyber world before I had finished what I was saying. It wasn't intentional, but it came across as a lack of care for me and my feelings.
So, I went back to being alone, this time crying about my inconsiderate husband. I cried and cried to God. And then I heard her crying from the other room. That obnoxious little cry that NEVER SEEMED TO END! "God, I'm so TIRED of hearing . . . her . . . cry." The last few words fell slowly as a flood of realization washed over me. How many times had I come crying to God? And had He ever been irritated with me or tired of hearing me complain or cry? And He never grows tired of me, no matter how often I come crying. Even in writing this, I cannot capture the conviction, the assurance, the peace, the solid presence I felt when I came to that realization. So, I got up, wiped away my tears, and discovered that God had given me exactly what I needed to go take care of my baby's needs--the realization of His love for me.
