Choosing Hope

I spend a lot of my time, just doing, not really thinking about why I do what I do. I just do. I suspect that I'm not alone in this experience. And a lot of times I remain that way unless someone asks me what my motivation is, what is going on inside my mind. I recently had a wonderful conversation with my friend and she asked me how my faith influenced my recent experience with depression. And I hadn't thought about that. I was just kind of doing, not really delving into the deeper levels. Since then, I've given it some more thought than I did during our conversation.

As I thought about how my faith in the Christian God influenced my current experience, I also thought about how it colored my past experience with a miscarriage. Between my first and third pregnancy, I miscarried one of my babies, lost so early that I have no idea if our baby was a boy or a girl and I barely knew when the baby actually passed. And I think that on and off since that experience, I've had time to process bits and pieces of it.

That baby was the only baby I carried feeling confident that I could be this baby's mother and do it fairly well. I've doubted with each baby since. I now see that as a gift that God gave me. I enjoyed being pregnant and bonded very soon into it and that doesn't happen with me. It takes me time to grow to fully love someone, but not that time and that is a gift.

I have kept coming back to something. How did I have any peace at all when my child was gone away? It was not comfortable and there are still times when I'm haunted by different aspects of it.

My friend asked me how I could have any comfort right now and I honestly didn't know. I'm not in a particularly lush season spiritually. And I thought about my baby that has gone away. How do I have any comfort or peace at all about that? Isn't it totally unfair of God to take my baby from me for no apparent reason? What about the babies from other families? What about Alex, Elias, Eva, Shiloh, as well as so many others whose names I don't know? Why weren't we allowed to keep those babies? We're good parents. What was so wrong with keeping them?

And it came down to this for me--those children do not belong to us, not really. I am my children's mother, but they do not belong to me. I only am given them for a period of time to take care of, but ultimately, they are God's children and He loves them more than I can and He doesn't need me in this process. After my miscarriage, we were still in our routine of reading the Bible and singing to Samuel when he went to bed and for the longest time, one line from "Jesus Loves Me," made my throat catch. "Little ones to Him belong. They are weak, but He is strong." Oh, we all are weak, so very weak. And He is strong, so very strong.

My baby that I didn't get to keep is not kept by Jesus who can keep that baby happier and healthier than I ever could. That baby, along with the ones I do get to take care of for longer, all belong to Jesus. I don't get to make the big calls in and about their lives. That's a far higher authority than I have. I wish I had been able to kiss that dear tiny face. I wish I had been able to make a memorial place for this person who was so dear to me. There are so many things that disrupt my comfort in that they still hurt. Oh, it very much still hurts, and I suspect always will. But, that does not disrupt what I believe to be true--these are His children, not mine, and He loves them better than I do. I don't understand how His loving Jamie meant taking him or her away so soon, but I trust that it was love.

A few months ago, I took my oldest to have his shots done before school begins. I explained a little ahead of time what it would be like and emphasized a lot about the ice cream we were going to get afterward. He was very brave at the time of getting the shots, but for hours, days, weeks afterward he kept asking why he had to have shots. And I explained that they prevented him from becoming sick with really bad sicknesses. I explained over and over why, but that didn't change that his arm and leg were both sore from them and he didn't understand fully how sick he could have gotten without them. He just knew it hurt. He didn't understand that there was love in it.

I love him enough to trust someone more educated than myself to make a call about his health and to take their advice in an attempt to protect him from exponential pain without the treatment. I and an imperfect parent. God is a perfect parent. How much more does He do the same with me and mine? Yes, I do not understand the pain of the treatment and I will likely ask over and over why I had to have that. And He may not ever be able to explain it to me in this life. But, it comes down to my trusting Him as my father. Do I trust that He loves me? Yes. And because I trust Him as my father, I trust that even though I hurt sometimes, He does these things because He loves me and somehow will work good out of it.

And it's easy to look over what I've written and be frustrated because I cannot lay out enough how incredibly searing it is to learn a piece of this, but still wrestle with the pain of it. And just because I'm trusting that God is loving us through this doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt and I still don't understand. That will never go away and I think we all need to be ok with that. Christianity should not seek to take us into happy resolution in half an hour's time like some TV show from the 1970s. We need to accept the lack of resolution for the here and now as a byproduct of being imperfect people in an imperfect world. Our trust is not in the here and now, but the there and then. Then I will understand. Then I will see how much I was and am loved. And I trust that in those terms, my Jamie is much further ahead in experience than I am. My Jamie is His Jamie and knows and understands and rejoices in the now and in the time to come. And I will continue to wrestle, choosing hope in His love rather than despair in my lack of understanding.

Roselyn Joy Paul's Birth Story

Roselyn's story comes long before her birth.  One afternoon when Geoffrey and I had the house to ourselves and after feeling a bit off, I took a pregnancy test. I came back into the den where he was sitting and threw the positive test next to him. And we laughed and kissed and kissed and laughed. Nothing was funny, but it was one of those moments when joy was so strong that it came out in laughter. 

A few weeks into things, I started having some sharp pains in my left pelvic area so I decided to call my doctor to check on things. We went in and had some blood work done and an ultrasound. The blood work came back with another confirming positive, but there wasn't anything visible on the ultrasound which didn't surprise me at the time because a lot of times my dates seem about two weeks off. My doctor was a bit concerned, though. Even though it was 4th of July weekend, she sent us to the hospital for follow up ultrasounds and blood work. Blood work did exactly as it should have--the numbers increased indicating a healthy pregnancy, but again nothing was visible on the ultrasound. So, my doctor came to the hospital to discuss the situation.

Because of the pain and the high hormone levels and lack of visibility of the pregnancy, she was worried that the pregnancy was ectopic. Ectopic pregnancies not only don't have a chance of developing, they also pose a strong risk for the mothers because a ruptured ectopic pregnancy causes internal bleeding and the mother can bleed to death. When the pregnancy isn't visible yet, it can be terminated with taking a pill to cause a miscarriage or abortion. But, when the pregnancy does become visible in the wrong place, it can only be removed by surgery. So, that day our pro-life values were challenged in a way we could never have imagined. Did we really believe this was a baby? Was my life more important than this life?

We decided to wait a couple of days before doing anything. I couldn't make a decision based solely on numbers. I'd have to know that my baby had no chance and was a risk to my life before I could make any kind of decision at all and even then, I didn't think I could make the call. I just couldn't give the go-ahead to abort a baby even if it did pose a risk to me. Geoffrey was willing to make the call in order to preserve my life, but I was still not ready to make a decision.

A couple of days went by and we went back for more blood work and another ultrasound. Hours went by and I felt the weight and turmoil of the decision pressing on me. My doctor called us and let me know that the hormone levels had gone up and the pregnancy was visible and right where it should be! For the rest of my pregnancy, every single time I saw my doctor she remembered that moment and talked about how thankful she was that things turned out well for us. 

My other two babies needed to be induced to get here, so I'd always wanted to just go into labor on my own if for no other reason than to know what it was like. I got my wish this time. March 7th, my due date, I awoke to steady and decently strong contractions about every five minutes. This actually irritated me because for weeks I'd been having some strong, regular contractions. I was not about to let myself get excited. It was early and I was annoyed to be awoken by nothing to get excited about. It started around 5:15, so I waited awhile and then remembered something key--real labor contractions will get stronger when you get up and walk around. So, I tested this out by making the long trek to the bathroom.

Thinking I'd have time to go to the bathroom before another would hit, I was very surprised when I had a hard contraction in the middle of my trip. I woke Geoffrey up when I came out and told him I thought I was in labor. His eyes popped open and he asked if I was sure. Right then another contraction hit hard. They were getting much closer together! I almost panicked. Our bags were packed, but the kids were still asleep and at this rate, I was a little intimidated that we may not make it in time. Geoffrey got the kids up and we all got dressed and ready to go. I was working through each contraction to breathe through them, but while they were getting stronger and stronger, I was getting louder and louder.

During the drive to the hospital, the contractions went from being about every 4 minutes to every minute. Geoffrey kept telling me to relax and finally I snapped at him that I couldn't relax right now. So, he stopped trying to tell me to relax, but changed his coaching to encouragement. In the back seat, Samuel started telling me, "Just relax, Mommy." And Marianne started moaning like me. We finally got to the hospital where my mother-in-law was waiting to take the kids. She opened the door for me while I moaned and huffed and puffed and got out. She laughed and said, "I guess she decided to come on time." I couldn't even respond other than a nod. 

The security guards got me a wheelchair and one wheeled me up to labor and delivery. We got up there while I was breathing through the pain and the nurses who had been drinking their morning coffee hopped up to help me to a bed. When they heard that this was our third baby, they took everything that much more seriously. They called for the epidural twice while I screamed through each contraction and I don't know if I was more anxious for it or if they were more anxious for it. All my training to relax through the pain went out the window. I screamed through each pain and gripped the side of the bed each and every time. I could not make myself relax. I just couldn't do it.

I was thankful to see the anesthesiologist. And I remembered her from my labor with Marianne. I was so very glad to see her! Once I got my epidural, the nurses wrapped me up so I could labor down. About that time, my sister-in-law Brittney (who was also a nurse as well as pregnant herself) arrived and settled in. She had asked me before if she could watch. During her training as a nurse she hadn't gotten a chance to see a delivery and about to have a baby herself, she was curious. I was really glad she got there after the epidural took. I didn't want to scar her with all the screaming.

I remembered from my labor with Marianne that the urge to push can feel a lot like the need to poop, so the minute I had that feeling, I let the nurses know. There is something nice about having a third baby. Nurses take you very, very seriously. They called my doctor right away who came and asked if I was ready to push. She checked me and I told her that she would know better than I did. She "suited up" and said that we were ready and four pushes later Roselyn Joy arrived. 

When she was handed in to be weighed, my doctor guessed her to weigh 8 lbs 6 oz. No one could believe it when the scales read 9 lbs 12 oz. She was our biggest baby by a whole pound! And oh, goodness, she was a beautiful newborn. Such cubby cheeks! 

During my pregnancy I had had gallbladder pain and had scheduled it to be removed after Roselyn arrived. In the days that followed her birth, the pain only got worse and I began to stress about having surgery so soon after having a baby, but as the pain got worse (no matter when I ate) I began to look forward to the surgery. One thing God provided early, early on with this little baby girl is the ability to sleep really well. Even through her big sister's screaming in the same room, Roselyn would sleep and only stir a little. And overnight she would generally only wake once. She is the perfect newborn to have while recovering from surgery.

Our little chunky baby has gained back her birth weight and more and has started being awake more during the day which has bonded her more with her brother and sister. They're both anxious to help get the pacifier back in her mouth and look over her to make sure she hasn't spit up. There's no jealousy between siblings and so far the only adjustment is to Mommy's hormones and sleepiness-induced moodiness. There is so so much I'm thankful for--a new baby who we're getting to keep for awhile, siblings who love her, a husband who takes care of us all, and a baby who sleeps much better than most. God has provided so well for us that even though we do have some tough days and some days of adjustment that seem forever long, He is taking care of us still and has blessed us greatly.

December 5th 2015

Sometimes when I'm tired, I like perusing through Facebook posts and when I come to the end of the "new" news, I occasionally move on to look through Pinterest. Something is different, though. Tonight, it's like everything is yelling at me to pay attention to it. LOOK AT ME! THIS WILL IMPROVE YOUR LIFE! YOU MUST HAVE/DO THIS!

Stop.

Sometimes it's good to listen to the advice of others so they can help you figure out what works in life, but sometimes it's good to shut out the other voices and forge your own way.

This is my third baby and fourth pregnancy. I have been given a lot of information on breastfeeding, sleep issues, relaxation, and stress management. I cannot do it all. There simply isn't time, energy, or honestly inclination to do it all. I look around my house, feeling no energy. None. She cried a lot at me today and even though I spent much of it away, I do not have any energy or inclination to progress in any duty I have been given. I can maintain at best.

Thank God for G right now. He still has goober moments, don't get me wrong, but the man has been a source of strength I intuited that I would need in my life. So many words, stories, voices, well-meaning all of them, but in the roar of it all, I'm able to hear him best when he tells me not to worry. He's proven himself over and over to me that he's got a good head on his shoulders and way more often than not what he says makes sense and works.

Now that I've been married for a few years, I sometimes think about a literature lesson I got from someone who should not have been teaching literature. We were reading Anne Bradstreet's poetry and when we read "To My Dear and Loving Husband," she explained that this poem was written on a good day of marriage. Real, every day marriage was not like this--it was hard work. And there is truth to that. There is work to allow oneself to be hurt or leaned on for the benefit of someone else. However, it's these moments of peace, these moments of success that feed those days when you're spent on someone else.

The Immigrant Debate

There have been a lot of thoughts and actions and reaction to this topic by people who are better informed than I am and those who believe that they are better informed than I am based solely on my opinion. I think that if anyone says that the answer is obvious hasn't fully considered both points of view. It's obvious to me that I want my family to be safe. But the complicating part is that I don't want it to be at the expense of the safety of another family. My family's life isn't worth more than theirs is simply because they belong to me.

It would be so easy for me at this point to diverge from the specifics and complain about how the issue is rooted in man's sin nature and this wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for Adam's sin, but I'm kind of tired of hearing about that and I suspect many others are, too. So, I acknowledge that sin did enter into the world through Adam's sin, but I'm not going to make him take the fall for the sins that have been committed since then. This is us now wrestling with sins we and others are committing now.

Before I listen to the persuasions of any other person in the media (conservative or liberal), I must first take into account what the Bible says or doesn't say on the subject. And so far I have yet to come across a verse that obviously supports closing off a country's boarders to immigrants. Leviticus 19:33-34 says: 

"When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God."
Deuteronomy 10:19 says:

And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt.

One might argue that since those are Old Testament verses, they don't apply to a New Testament church. Since there are no New Testament verse that cover the subject at all, I don't think one can make that claim. Oh, but as a resident of the State of Alabama, am I not called to live under the subjection of my governing rulers and support the decision not to take in Syrian immigrants? That is where it's complicated in my mind. I'm not in a governing position and I do not have the same access of information that the governor has, so I'm not in any position to make or reverse a decision.

But what about the deaths of non-believers in America? Am I so willing to put their lives on the line? And that's where the issue is complicated. I can compel believers to act according to the calling with which they are called, but I don't believe that the unbelieving world has the same calling of being a living sacrifice. I cannot expect them to believe or behave the same way as me and America is far from being a Christian nation. So, I really can't make a call on our nation as a whole.

So, why write about this at all? Why possible disagree with governing authorities if there's nothing you intend to do or think you can do about it? Why admit that there isn't a call I can make for our nation as a whole? I wanted to address the attitudes of those I've seen expressed online. The attitude expressed by some of my fellow Christians bothers me. Some have acted as though American lives are more valuable than foreign lives and that simply isn't true. Some have posted articles indicating that this is part of a massive plot for terrorists to get into American by appealing to America's bleeding heart. I think it would be incredibly ignorant to say that the immigrants are all terrorists or all just peaceful families seeking asylum. It is very likely that it's a mixed bunch. So, what should we do with a mixed bunch?

I can only go back to the Biblical principles I've noted before. It doesn't make human sense to invite a threat in amongst us, but this attitude of self-preservation at the expense of others isn't right. My life is not more valuable than another mother's life with her two children and pregnant with another trying desperately to get her family to safety. I will submit to my governing authorities. I'm not going to try to bring in immigrants illegally into my state. However, I'm not going to live my life in fear instead of compassion. These families are as a deserving of safety as mine is and I'm not going to treat them less human than anyone else simply because they were born somewhere else.

The Death of Me

My daughter is going to be the death of me. She's an intense little person and you never have to wonder where you stand with her. And she's loud. She's loud-happy, loud-sad, loud-angry. And she's going to be the death of me. By that I mean that the need for "me time" is going to start dying away. The need for my goals to be accomplished is going to die away and somehow after the death of these things will arise a better mommy who is much more willing to stop doing what I want to do in order to do what she needs me to do. And that's a good thing, but death is always painful and I'm still dying now.

A Not Too Serious Look at Proverbs 31

I suspect I’m not the only mom out there who sometimes feels a sense of dread anytime our pastor reads Proverbs 31. She is the standard by which we feel like we’ll never measure up to fully.

A wife of noble character who can find?

    She is worth far more than rubies

Her husband has full confidence in her

    and lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm,

    all the days of her life. —Proverbs 31:10-12

Ok, first off, I have to remind myself that this was written by Solomon’s mother, so this is a description of good queen material. Let’s not forget that. This chick had resources that the average housewife doesn’t. Granted, we have better technology than she had, but practically speaking, an appliance doesn’t really compete with having servants just like a good playlist doesn’t compete with a live band or orchestra.

And it’s also interesting to me that we start out with her husband having confidence in her. That’s a pretty big deal. He has *full* confidence in her from the very beginning, not after the list has been brought out. I think many wives can rise to the occasion when their husbands trust that they can handle a given situation. And I submit to you that perhaps the reason she does him good and not harm is because he has confidence in her. Ok, so that’s the temperature of the situation.

She selects wool and flax

    and works with eager hands.—Proverbs 31:13

The “eager hands” is what gets my heart here. I don’t often work with eager hands, unless I’m eager to be done with the work. Also, I’m not positive about this, but this whole wool and flax deal sounds like she may be a crafting type person. Reminds me of those burlap wreaths. And if this is a crafting type person, I’m sure she does have eager hands when working on something she wants to work on and maybe isn’t interrupted a million times while trying to finish. *gasp* I think I figured out why she’s eager. She wants to quickly finish her fun project before the littles come bursting through the door asking for a dozen different things that she alone can get.

She is like the merchant ships,

    bringing her food from afar.—Proverbs 31:14

Clearly, she does some grocery shopping. And a word of encouragement to all you ladies who feel pressured to only buy local, the Proverbs 31 woman didn’t. So walk into that chain grocery store with confidence and buy those bananas with a smile knowing that you’re emulating the Standard.

She gets up while it is still night;

    she provides food for her family

    and portions for her female servants.—Proverbs 31:15

There are a few things here that stand out to me. Either she’s got insomnia or understands that if you don’t get up before everyone else, nothing really gets done. Maybe both. I don’t really like the idea of sleep deprivation, but maybe the encouragement is to use that time awake wisely. Note: if you’re up with a crying baby, I believe that would fall under the category of providing food for your family. 

Have you noticed the other thing yet? The servants, yes! Good answer! Yes, this chick has resources! And if you start in on justifying how we’re in the same boat simply because we have appliances, I will stop you right now. Appliances are not people. Appliances do great work for us and work more steadily than servants probably do. However, they are not an extra pair of eyes that you know are likely helping her watch out for her children. *insert social commentary on how society’s main problem is lack of village mentality*

She considers a field and buys it;

    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;

    her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,

    and her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff

    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.—Proverbs 31:16-19

Oh, what could we say about this chunk? First off, I don’t understand how she has earnings after just having bought something. Maybe that’s more of her savings? Anyhow, it is pretty obvious to me that this is a mom who works outside the home. The sleep deprivation is explained! She doesn’t have time to sleep! Am I the only person who’s now starting to feel sorry for this poor woman?

Before I move on, again I’m convicted at the vigor of her work. I’m one of those people who has days of insane productivity and then a few days in between where I’m not worth shooting. The consistency is admirable and an area I often fall very short in. It also seems to me that she exercises. I also fall pretty short in that area as well. I could go off on beauty culture and how we need to be happy with our bodies and yadda-yadda-yadda. However, I do believe that I could stand to prioritize my time better and could stand to include exercise in there.

She opens her arms to the poor

    and extends her hands to the needy.—Proverbs 31:20

This is very convicting to me. The only help I’ve practically given the poor and needy is donating my old stuff to a local rescue mission. It’s stuff I didn’t want and was looking to get rid of. It hardly qualifies as opening my arms to the poor. This is definitely something I want to figure out how to change in my life. My hat is off to you moms out there who have adopted a child with a group like Compassion or who take in foster children or anything else like that.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for her bed;

    she is clothed in fine linen and purple.—Proverbs 31:21-22

Dressing yourself and your family nicely is Biblical. Also, decorating your household is Biblical. So, anytime you feel guilty for buying nice clothes or home decorations, stop!

Her husband is respected at the city gate,

    where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.—Proverbs 31:23

Am I the only one who thinks that this seems a bit lazy in comparison with everything this woman is doing? What’s this guy doing sitting down with all this work to be done? I joke. I do think that a man who has a honorable wife is also respected because of her.

She makes linen garments and sells them,

    and supplies the merchants with sashes.—Proverbs 31:24

In case you missed it before, she works outside the home.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

    she can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,

    and faithful instruction is on her tongue.—Proverbs 31:25-26

You know why she’s laughing at the days to come? Probably because she’s looking forward to retirement!

She watches over the affairs of her household

    and does not eat the bread of idleness.—Proverbs 31:27

This strikes me as someone who rarely eats fast food. I don’t know why. Maybe because when I veg out, I eat a lot of carbs.

Her children arise and call her blessed;

    her husband also, and he praises her:

“Many women do noble things,

    but you surpass them all.”—Proverbs 31:28-29

Ok, so I want to camp out here a bit. This is the first time children are mentioned. At all. If you’re like me, it’s kids non-stop most days. “Don’t push,” “Take that out of your mouth,” “Look at Mommy, look at Mommy, look at Mommy, LOOK AT MOMMY WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!” seem to be my daily mantras. So, this passage seems to indicate to me that this is an empty-nester. Maybe that’s why she’s sleep deprived. She’s reached that older-person-doesn’t-need-as-much-sleep phase of life I’ve heard rumors about. So, moms with kids in the house, I believe this is what you would call a game changer. There is a huge amount of expectation we place on ourselves to get work done + play with our children + teach our children + feed our families + take care of ourselves + a ton of things I’ve probably forgotten. This woman’s children were at least old enough to talk. And unless they were raised with a certain Mommy Dearest mentality, children are likely not to call a mother blessed until they are adults. So, take heart! This is a list of qualities for someone who doesn’t have the constant interruptions mothers with littles have. The rules are different. Industrious-ness looks different in a mother with littles.

Again, I’m struck by how her husband encourages her. It’s amazing in my life when my husband has encouraged me how it has given me energy to do what needs to be done.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.—Proverbs 31:30

I take this as a warning not to be too caught up in attaining an ideal body for swimsuit season. I’m pretty sure you can get that from the original Hebrew.

Honor her for all that her hands have done,

    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.—Proverbs 31:31

I believe that this is a good verse to encourage our families by. It is Biblical for people to brag on their mommies and since it’s written by and taught by a woman, I think we can extrapolate that it’s important for us to teach our families to brag on us. 

So, after looking at this passage as a whole, we can better understand our goal as well as where we are allowed to give ourselves grace/let ourselves off the hook. Older ladies with empty nests need to maintain momentum in their activities. This passage is does not seem to be speaking to young moms. It kind of feels like we’re on our own. But, there’s some freedom in the silence. I think that silence on this subject is an indication of an abundance of grace for moms of little kids. There are general principles we can apply from the passage—be industrious, spend time taking care of the needs of your family. And I think some days that means for moms to spend the day breastfeeding a baby in bed all day in order to “up” her milk supply. Some days it means ordering pizza for dinner (bringing in food from afar). Busy yourself with your families and by doing so, you are the Proverbs 31 woman.

Together

I thought that being an adult meant that I would have it together. Other adults seemed to have it together. Women knew how to do their make up, wear clothes that made themselves look nice, have interesting things to talk about. Perhaps I'm just now understanding that the ability to make ourselves look as though we have it together does not mean that we do in actuality have it all together. Oh, and very often it seems that those who are so desperately trying to look as though they have it together are the ones whose worlds are swirling completely awry.

None of us have it together. It will never be together. We will never be completely autonomous beings without need of anyone or anything else. We need so much. I'm becoming more and more aware of how much I need friends, fellow believers, to invade my life, encouraging me, holding me accountable, living out faith with me.