Guidance

I have a new car!  A mommy car!  Ok, it is technically a used car, but it's new to me and that's what counts.  The thing I love best about this new car is the speakers.  I know that car speakers are notorious for being really crappy and my last car indeed had crappy speakers.  However, these sound wonderful, especially when compared with the others.  I have bass now.  Really bass, not just a rattling in the speakers.  And for the first time I listened to the soundtrack to the movie "Phantom of the Opera."  While listening to it and marveling that my baby fell asleep while it was playing, I was struck by a phrase from one of those sweeping songs: to guard you and to guide you.

One summer at a Christian sports camp, I took part in an activity that was suppose to build trust.  I don't remember why we were building trust with people we'd never me; but since I'm a follower and not a leader, I don't question.  I did fairly well as a follower, making little stumbles, but nothing too awful--my guide was pretty good.  None of us were perfect at it, but we all managed to follow each other along in a line.  And then we switched.  I had to guide the person who had been my guide.  Things were going pretty well until we walked along the side of a hill.  The hill wasn't terribly steep if you were walking along with sight to guide you, but the gravel was tricky and a few people slipped a little.  My person completely wiped out and fell head over heels down that gravelly hill and all I could do was watch in horror as she skinned and bruised her legs and arms.  She later said she felt ok and it wasn't my fault, but oh how wrong she was.  I was her guide and it was my fault.

I've been married almost three years.  Long enough to know that I don't know squat about marriage.  And short enough to be insecure at times.  And I have always thought that I'm as naturally submissive as any fallible human can be.  I was wrong.  During a Bible study lecture on submission, the speaker noted that submission isn't just lip service, but submitting deep in our hearts.  She said that it was difficult to do this with anyone, but it's very challenging to do this with our husbands even in their failures.

When I heard that phrase, "To guard you and to guide you," I began to think of my time at camp and what a horrible guide I am.  Granted, I'm not as bad as Lucky, the German Shepherd guide dog who led four of his owners to their death (true story!), but I really do stink at guiding.  And in that it occurred to me how difficult it must be for my husband when he's guiding me to see me fail, even if he wasn't the direct cause of my failure.  He takes it in stride, but it still must be a bit of a personal blow to him when I do.  Even though I haven't been married long and all, knowing that kinda helps me.