My church has started a new Sunday school series on marriage and it's been pretty good. We've discussed the reasons for getting married and what to look for in a companion and I must admit that the presence of unmarried people and young children seems to have colored the discussion. When the class was asked, "why did you get married?" no one wanted to acknowledge the gigantic elephant in the room. Answers ranged from "companionship" to "help around the house" and "friendship." "Friendship" won as what should be the reason for getting married.
I disagree. While it's most definitely true that you should marry someone that you can be best friends with and that friendship is a wonderful basis for marriage, I am much better being friends with women than men. I understand women and there's much more commonality with women than men. I lived for four years with a roommate in college and am still close friends with my roomies. I would never have gone looking to spend the rest of my life with a man if it had not been for one thing--I am incapable of living a holy life without marital sex.
Yes, I used the "S" word. And I meant it. And since when did talking about sex or using the word "sex" become so taboo in churches? Youth leaders seem to be the only people talking about it and they're pretty good at telling the teenagers to wait, but since when do people need to talk in code from the pulpit? "Marital relations," "the physical side of marriage," "married people time." Society isn't speaking in code. Go through the line at the grocery store--a place you can't really avoid for long--and there it is in bright letters. Sex. Just glancing at magazine covers can be an educational experience to "sheltered" people. The world is obviously not going to back down from spreading false or deceiving information and if the church is supposed to stand firm, we'd better get our act together and stop making this an awkward subject. The only reason sex is an awkward subject is because we make it that way. We blush or start talking in code or . . . um, y'know, pause and stuff.
The first blunt sermon I heard on this was when a pastor was going through the seventh chapter in First Corinthians. He warned us ahead of time that these sermons would be PG-13 rated and if any parents wanted their children excluded, they were welcome to send their children to nurseries/other rooms in the church while we heard the message. Then he started with a tantalizing question for the single college students who were in the audience--would you like to know whether or not you were meant to get married. Psh-yeah! I've never paid more attention to a sermon in my life. It was quite simple. If you cannot resist sexual temptation, then God never intended for you to stay unmarried. I left elated, knowing I was never meant to stay single.
Some people may raise their eyebrows at that last statement and I realize that it is a bit revealing of my character, but I think that's something people in general need to be willing to admit and talk about if the situation arises. When my daughters reach the age when they start thinking about sexual things, I want to be able to sit down with them and have an honest conversation about it. I want to be able to give them a heads up about pitfalls that may be in their paths.
I've heard many "how we got together stories" and many times the girl would say that she prayed and told God that she was ok with being single and when she meant it, The Right One came along. Not me. I prayed because I didn't know of a holy way to deal with the strong desires I was having and that God either needed to show me how to be abstinent in a holy way (which was not happening) or bring me a husband SOON. I was married a year later. While marriage does not make the struggles go away completely, praise God that He gave us a means by which these strong desires can be satiated in a pure way!
The reason I got married is not because I was looking for friendship. I had friends. I was looking for someone I could get frisky with and our actions be as holy as prayer. I was looking for a way to express my sexuality in a holy way. I was looking for friendship set on fire.
4 comments:
1. I love your honesty.
2. I was completely shocked by the unexpectedness of said honesty : ).
3. Did you mean to say, "I left elated knowing I was never meant to get married" or "I left elated knowing I was meant to get married."?
4. This makes me want to go back and re-look at my own thinking and feelings the bit leading up to dating Andrew. At the time, I was looking for anything but a relationship, having just ended two back-to-back ones. But Andrew's side of the story is very different, and I wonder how much the colour of my side would change if I re-examined it in light of what you've said here.
5. Have you read Kevin Leman's "Sheet Music"?
Brava for an honest post about this! We need more Christians--especially women talking--about sex. The Christian (false) teaching that women do no have sexual desires is very damaging and not in the Bible! Getting married and beginning to have sex convinced me that Christians talk very poorly about it.
As Lauren Winner says in "Real Sex," (great book!) the church has got to teach people more about sex than "don't do it outside of marriage." We've got to offer a compelling alternative story (the true story) about sex and chastity.
I think you should bring up the "elephant in the room" in your Sunday School class ;)
PS: I definitely got married for sex as well (other reasons too, but that was a big one!)
"I was never meant to stay single." Thanks for pointing that out to me! I know blogging with a baby in my lap might lead to mis-writing.
"I was never meant to stay single." Thanks for pointing that out to me! I know blogging with a baby in my lap might lead to mis-writing.
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